At times it seems like the negative thoughts and sadness are taking a toll on me and I start to wonder if my mind and heart will ever find peace. Suddenly, I finally find an unknown source of inner calm, I relax into it and just let myself “be.” Be in that moment of time where nothing can touch me, where I can forget for just that moment…
I appreciate these rare moments of peace in my shattered mind and body. I treat them as a time of meditation, stillness within myself. A replenishing I suppose. I have learned to take full advantage when they arrive. These moments have taught me the true meaning of being grateful for all I have and I am learning how to be aware, truly aware of the world around me and the spirit within me.
The reality is that even in moments of peace, noticing the beauty in my surroundings; the sky, a flower, another grandchild’s laugh, something is amiss.
My new extreme emotional sensitivity makes it difficult to determine whether I’m feeling true joy, the overwhelming emotion of what I’m experiencing at that very moment or the underlying heartache that is ever-present. The picture gets blurred. Even beauty makes me weep.
There is a quote from a book that states, “Grief does not change you, it reveals you.” Truth. I am an emotionally fragile woman seeking peace and spirituality to calm my restless soul. Perhaps I was always this person, hidden behind the masks I wore. Always trying to please someone, trying to be funny. It was my facade waiting to reveal my true self. This new me is not so bad, just more sensitive, emotional and definitely scared. Scared that something will happen to another loved one. I know I can’t live my life in fear but this is what happens after such a tragic loss especially the loss of a child.
I suspect grievers battle between remembering and forgetting.
I could never forget that Konnor came into this world. It is because of him that I begin to cry when I look at a glorious sunset on the lake that he will never see. It is him that I think about every time I see something so beautiful that it moves me or hear a song so sweet that I am moved to tears. To forget Konnor would be to dishonor him. To not remember that this sweet soul ever graced my life would destroy all that he was. Yet, in my stillness of peace, he is up there in the Heavens and somehow I feel him watching me. I breathe a little lighter still.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR------------------------------------------------
Patricia is a Professional Registered Nurse, mother of four, grandmother to seven, one being angel Konnor Mason, who passed suddenly November 22, 2015, at eight years old of a gastric perforation caused by a very rare bacteria.
Patricia started Konnor’s Lullaby as a Grief Blog to share her emotions with those who were suffering as she was but may have been unable to express how they felt. Grief has a voice and it has a face. As Konnor’s grandmother she needed to share his story, her story and her families - the story of love and loss and hope.