A Unique Journey

Almost 1 year ago, my mama passed away. She was the one that knew me better than anyone. I could be myself without judgement. Well, maybe a little judgement but always just enough to set me on the right path.

I started writing this article just months after her passing. That was a time that I was mad at the world. Cause for every friend that came by in the days and weeks after, there was one that didn’t. There were the people that you expected to show up but didn’t, avoided until you’re in a better place, made bad jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood, or those that just told you the right way to handle things.

During this first year, I tried hard to convince everyone that, yes, you lost someone, but it’s not the same, it will never be the same! Now, I realize that’s the one thing about all of this that holds true.

My mom was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. She had surgery, went through chemotherapy and everything appeared to be great.The doctor said no presence of cancer,but it's a wait and see.Then ten months after her diagnosis, she told the doctor, “ I feel real good .”His response,I know; but it's stage 4.Six months after that, there was nothing else they could do.

After her diagnosis,I had become her caretaker, staying overnights with her at the hospital, praying with her, driving her to doctor's appointments and treatments, going shopping, handling finances and anything she asked of me. She lived with me during her treatments; and when she didn’t, I talked to her daily, at least twice a day for hours. We laughed at jokes that only we understood. I called her anytime, anything funny, sad, or just interesting came to mind. But our relationship didn’t start with her diagnosis. For me, that’s what made her death so hard. I considered her my closest friend for years and now I haven’t found anyone that comes even close.

I realize that being angry at those around me won’t change any of that. What’s really missing is the relationship that I had with my mama.

I read an interview that a celebrity gave about grieving the loss of her son. To paraphrase, she said this grief is something she shares with everyone, but no one else was his mom. Only her.I interpreted this to mean that while majority of people have or will experience the loss of a loved one, no one can tell you how to grieve because you’re the only one experiencing your loss. Yes, they may have lost their mother, but my mother and our relationship is unique to us. So my grief will look and feel unique.

About the author K Jackson

I’m a wife, grieving daughter, sister and aunt to many.