Bittersweet Springtime: Surviving Mother’s and Father’s Day

Mary Ellen T. Miller PhD, RN, PHNA-BC 4/5/25

Spring is my favorite season. I feel excited seeing the rebirth of tree buds, flowers bursting up from the still semi-frozen ground and the return of robins to my backyard! Spring is also a bittersweet season for me. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are celebrated during this time. These days bring me both joy and sadness.

Four decades ago, Marissa, our firstborn died in a NICU when she was 8 days old due to complications of prematurity. Six months later was Mother’s Day. We attended Mass and a well-intentioned priest requested “all the mothers please stand for a special blessing”. What should I do? Should I sit or stand? I decided to stand up and to this day I am proud that I had the courage to do so. We left the Mass immediately afterwards. My husband knew I was having a very tough time being around all the mothers and their children in church. I cried during the entire ride home. I realized my husband would be facing his own emotional turmoil in a few weeks on Father’s Day. Two more Mother’s and Father’s Days and a pregnancy loss occurred before our next baby girl was born.

The first Mother’s Day with a child in my arms was filled with both profound joy and great sadness. As elated as I was to finally get to “mother” a child, my grief resurfaced with a vengeance. I realized I should have been filled with Mother’s Day joy for years now. But that was not my life path. We were blessed with another daughter 18 months later. Our beautiful, healthy girls don’t alter the reality that there should be 2 other children in our family. We love our angel children and wonder who they would have become and what they would have accomplished had they lived.

Ten years ago, our daughter and her husband had a devastating pregnancy loss. I felt intense sorrow for my daughter and son-in-law because I walked in their shoes when I was about their age. I grieved for my unborn first grandchild but kept my feelings to myself for a very long time. I carried a “secret sorrow” as a non-grandparent that I did not share with anyone. I strongly encourage others who are walking grief’s long and winding road to seek the help of a grief counselor. I believe my bereavement would have been of shorter duration, and I would have spoken about my feelings much sooner, if I had received help from a healthcare professional.

I lost my dad in 2010 and my mom in 2019. I was in my mid-50s when my dad died and my early 60’s when I lost my mom. Many people don’t have the gift of their parents for as long as I did. I am forever grateful for the years I had with them. The first year without my dad, and then my mom, were challenging for me. My dad was my rock and my first Father’s Day without him was less than one month after he died. This first Father’s Day was particularly hard to get through. My dad loved baseball and was an avid Philadelphia Phillies fan. I spent Father’s Day watching the Phillies play on TV just like my dad would be doing if he was with us. This gave me a sense of comfort. When my mom passed away 9 years later, I had to cope with being a mom without my mom on Mother’s Day. Reminiscing about how we spent our Mother’s Day times together is something I do that consoles me. Memories of how past Mother’s and Father’s Days were celebrated can either be touching to reminisce about or can stir up additional sadness as special outings or times spent together will never occur again. I know I am not alone in my springtime feelings.

Mother’s and Father’s Day may be a bittersweet time for you also. Your feelings are real and justified.

Like me, you may have lost both parents. Or, you may have lost your mom or your dad. Maybe you have lost a child. Maybe the child you lost was your only child. Maybe you lost a grandchild or an anticipated grandchild. Maybe you experienced a pregnancy loss or losses. Maybe you are going through infertility and deeply desire to be a mom or dad. Maybe you have a terminally ill child. Maybe you have been waiting a long, long time for an adoption to be finalized. Maybe your child is serving far away from home in the military. Maybe you have a serious illness with an uncertain outcome and wonder if this springtime will be your last. Maybe you are estranged from your mom, dad or both parents. Maybe you are estranged from a child and possibly grandchildren also. Maybe your grandmother/grandfather or god-mother/god-father is no longer living. Maybe there is another reason why Mother’s or Father’s Day is a time of sorrow for you. If I have not included your reason I sincerely apologize. So how can you “get through” and survive these springtime celebratory dates?

The weeks leading up to Mother’s and Father’s Day can be hurtful seeing all the commercials on television with suggestions about how to celebrate these occasions. Sections of grocery and other stores abound with gift ideas. “Happy Mother’s Day” and “Happy Father’s Day” are phrases that are pure pain for many to hear. You are not alone. I found some things were particularly helpful to me before I had my first child that lived
and could feel happiness on Mother’s Day. Maybe some of the suggestions I offer will be helpful to you.

Talking to my sisters about my feelings helped me tremendously during my early Mother’s Day grieving. I found immense support from them. Gather the courage to tell just one person you are close to how hard Mother’s Day or Father’s Day is for you, or how hard you anticipate it to be if it is your first experience. If they are a close family member or a true friend, they will listen to you and give you the support you are yearning for. If you feel comfortable, accept an invitation from someone who reaches out to you and spend time with them on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day. Turn down invitations to go out if you think you can’t do it this year. It might be helpful to do something different, something you don’t usually do on these occasions. Go to a movie. Volunteer to serve in a food bank. Visit a historical museum. Stay away from restaurants that cater to families. Skip church. I’m Catholic and was taught that missing Mass is a mortal sin. I believe God is forgiving. I am not going to burn in hell because I didn’t go to Mass on Mother’s Day until I held my child in church after my initial painful experience.

Social media was not present decades ago. Now it is an everyday part of life. Refrain from social media postings on the days leading up to Mother’s and/or Father’s Day and on that particular weekend. If you are on social media during this time, quickly scroll through the family gathering postings. You don’t need to read all of this at this time!

Scheduling time for self-care activities, such as journalling, listening to music or a podcast that uplifts you, walking, or other forms of exercise are ways to be kind to yourself. Self- care is not selfish. Be gentle and kind to yourself on Mother’s and Father’s Day and the time leading up to these dates. You deserve to be happy in the springtime and throughout the entire year.

With hope for healing,
Mary Ellen

Author of Secret Sorrow: Grieving and healing as a non-grandparent in a grandparenting world (2024).
Inner Peace Press Publishers; Website: nongrandparent.com