Call me if you Need Anything
Dawn Allen
Dawn, I’m so sorry for your loss, call me if you need anything. I heard this phrase more times than I can count when I lost my husband Ash to that vicious unrelentless disease called cancer.
In that moment, it was just words, it didn’t mean anything to me. I had just lost my husband of 12 years, the father of my children, who were ages 13 and 8 at the time. I didn’t know what I needed. I was on autopilot I had been on autopilot for months. One day a man who never got so much as a cold – developed cancer and our lives had completely changed overnight. From the discovery of the disease, he was gone in less than 4 months. Call me if you need anything. What I need Is for him to s=ll be alive, what I need is to understand how we got here, in this predicament. What I need is to understand why he had to lose his life at the young age of 44. What I need is to understand why my children will grow up without their father. What I need….
We’re coming up on his three-year deathaversary and with each passing year, it has become more apparent that we don’t talk about death enough. Most people in general do not understand how to deal with the unimaginable or how to help someone else who may be struggling with their grief. “Call me if you need anything.” It’s a cop out statement. It’s not helpful. At all. A person who suffered a loss can barely remember to eat or take a shower and you’re saying to them, hey I know your life has turned completely upside down, but you should still have enough brain power to tell me and ask for help when you need it.
NO! No they do not. And frankly you’re not showing you have skin in the game or understand how to help. One of the worst things that can happen to someone- happened to me. I’m not referencing the loss of my husband but I’m referencing that I did call and ask for something. I don’t remember exactly what it is that I asked for, but I remember I called a family friend, and they were out of town and could not help me in that moment. They later called to apologize and felt terrible because they had made that famous statement, “Call me if you need anything.”
I never asked anyone else for anything after that. When a grieving person calls for something, they need it right then and there. But most times will not ask. It feels like an inconvenience- as if the person who lost their loved one is inconveniencing you and that feeling is awful. 9 times out of 10 a grieving person will won’t ask. And if we have courage too and are disappointed in that moment for whatever reason- you can be sure that we won’t ask again.
Have some skin in the game, instead of saying, “Call me if you need anything.” Call or text and say, “hey I’m on my way to the grocery store, can I pick up something for you. That will not only let that person know that you’re thinking of the while running errands, but it could possibly trigger them to say, you know what I need milk and if you could pick that up for me, I would appreciate it. Become an angel door dasher in that moment. Pick up the requested items, drop it off at their door and keep it moving. If you feel comfortable enough to offer to sit with them then do so, but people grieve differently and may or may not want to be bothered. Use your best judgement, be gentle pushy and simply make an offer. If you are the griever, also please don’t be afraid to decline their offer, and if you are the offeree- don’t be offended. It isn’t personal.
This not only shows that you are thinking about them, but you’re making an actionable step to help and assist them during their time of grief. Support through grief is so limited and quite short. The meal trains, the go-fund me initiatives are only a small part of the equation for support that is needed. Every loss is different, the loss of a parent, child, spouse, cannot be compared to one another- it simply cannot. I can relate to another widow; I absolutely cannot relate to the loss of a child.
After the funeral some will still check in on you, but the majority will not. They will go back to their lives as normal, and you’re stuck trying to figure out what the hell is my new life supposed to look like now? What do you do if you were married to someone who handled all the household necessities, like bills and otherwise for decades? Losing that person brings a level of shock that most cannot understand.
To family members and friends, you must be patient and kind. And please know healing takes time. How much? There is no time limit. There is NO time limit. There IS NO time limit. Let me say this again, THERE IS NO TIME LIMIT! Everyone grieves differently and the way people process is different, so it just takes =me. As I stated before I’m coming up on year 3 of losing my husband and my children losing their father, and I’m s=ll adjusting, still coping, and still healing.
I know others who are in year 10 or more of losing their loved one and although things are beeer- they are still working through their grief and if you’re supporting someone; please let them process it their own way. You can’t rush them into healing and gegng over their grief- it’s just not possible or fair.
“What if I don’t know what to say?” I’ve heard this a lot- and it’s okay. I had a friend call me and say just that- he said, “Dawn, I am so sorry for your loss, I don’t what to say to you.” You know what? It was okay- in that moment it was appreciated. Because it showed me that my friend was vulnerable and had the strength to admit he wasn’t comfortable- but still reached out because he cared enough to let me know that he was thinking of me and my boys. Sometimes
About Dawn
My name is Dawn Allen, 43-year-old mother of 2 boys. I work full-time in sales, and part-time as an event planner and travel advisor. In 2023, I received my certification in: Grief Counseling and Treatment. I lost my husband and my children on May 20, 2022, a date I will never forget. I started a podcast with another widow friend of mine enAtled, “We Grieve Differently” available on Spotify. The show took a break in Season 2, but there are several inspiring episodes to listen to. Currently, I’m focused on booking travel and sharing my journey through my new travel blog, Dawn Luvs Travel. It’s important to share my healing journey through travel in hopes of inspiring or assisAng others through their grief journey. If you listen to my podcast or subscribe to my blog, I hope that it will be a source of learning and/or comfort.
