Til Death Do Us Part: I’ll Put on My Clothes
Geralyn Stephens-Gunn, EdD
It’s my birthday! It is a beautiful July summer day and I am so excited to see what the day holds. I arise. I fed and let the dogs out. Once they are situated, I begin my preparation for breakfast. For the past 26 years, the most lovely Hallmark greeting card, with the gold seal, would greet me on the kitchen counter. I look everywhere for it. I opened every drawer, cabinet and even the refrigerator and freezer. It was not in the oven or microwave. My birthday card from my departed husband simply was not there.
I was overcome with great sadness and grief. While I cognitively knew my husband, Ken, has passed on, I firmly believed he would somehow transcend death and acknowledge my birthday. It did not happen. The entire day found me crying, distraught and miserable. I could not find my way out of despair. I spent the entire day moping around the house in a tee shirt and my underwear.
The “Two Shall Be One Flesh” - Process
Our society emphasizes the importance of how two people become one unit through the contract called Marriage. The couple focuses on how to jointly navigate the following promises and commitments often made on their wedding day:
Minister: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife; and they two shall be one flesh. Book of Common Prayer / The Form of Solemnization of Matrimony - 1662
Contract/ Vows: I (husband/wife name) take thee (husband/wife name) to my wedded (husband or wife), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth. - Book of Common Prayer / The Form of Solemnization of Matrimony - 1662
Through their marriage, they persevere through job layoffs, job terminations, recessions, and bad debt choices. When illness occurs, they rally to ensure the ill spouse is supported through the journey. All medical appointments are attended, bedside hospital support provided and midnight prescription runs made. Their love keeps them up at night with one eye and both ears open.
As time progresses, they learn each other so well each becomes the other’s mind reader. They can finish each other’s sentences and know exactly where to scratch each other’s itch. They look at each other and chuckle - without words, when something entertaining happens by. They find love on a dinner plate containing favorite foods or a neatly laundered and folded pair of underwear. They listen intently to each other’s dreams, while thinking of what help is needed to make each dream a reality. They are able to bask in each other’s successes and shore each other up when failures reach their door. They are each other’s heartbeat. They breathe each other’s air.
They see themselves as ONE.
When “The Happily Ever After” - End
There is premarital counseling, marriage counseling, couples counseling and a plethora of other resources and support towards the becoming ONE process of marriage. There are all kinds of self-help books on how to enhance and improve your love life. Unfortunately, as surely as they both may grow in love, the Happily Ever After will end. There is no preparation for that. Sometimes, it comes as a knock on the front door. Other times, a medical professional taps one spouse on the shoulder with the sad news the love story has ended. The surviving spouse instantly moves from the “Two Shall Be One Flesh” process to the “TIL DEATH DO US PART” segment of the relationship.
Once there, the surviving spouse is confronted with scenarios seldom pondered or dreamt of. Unfortunately, some couples did not previously make time to assess what will happen upon this inevitable life altering event. Financial challenges, family squabbles and other issues arise because of the failure to make plans for this guaranteed component of marriage. The surviving spouse often believes the best part of their existence disappeared - vanished.
There is no road map for widowhood. Moving on with life appears to be impossible. Every waking moment forces a reminder of the tremendous loss. There is no defined destination. The surviving spouse has no clue where they are going or when they will get there. They become keenly aware that they are not going back to before this moment in time.
Understanding the “TIL DEATH DO US PART” Component
The marriage vows containing these words were written in the 16th Century, when life expectancy was 40-45 years. Marriages were also made between families for economic purposes or safety support. There was little if any emotional attraction or attachment from/to the betrothed. The marriage was to further the benefits of both families. Most often, the betrothed had never met their marriage partner. Modern romantic marriages began to enter society during the 18th century.
In today’s American culture, love, mutual respect and admiration are frequently components of those entering into this union. These emotional connections, which grow through the years, increase the probability that this component of the marriage will be the most difficult to grasp and process. However, there are aspects of this component that once understood may help the surviving spouse learn to accept and more clearly understand the marriage contract terms.
Most people repeat these words, as vows - contracts, during their wedding ceremony. However, the content and/or context is, most often, seldom if ever, completely understood. To begin, let's start by defining the word “PART”. For reference, there is an older version of the clause that includes, “till death us depart" - “depart" at one time in history meant to “separate” rather than “leave”. For current day translation, Webster defines the verb ‘part’ as meaning: to separate from or take leave of someone; to become separated into parts; to go away: depart; die; to become separated, detached or broken; to relinquish possession or control. Using this definition, the contract states, “Til Death Do Us SEPARATE”. Meaning, there is no longer a ONE.
Marriage is a lifelong contract between two living entities. The wedding vows outline the terms of the contract in explicit details. The terms clearly state the contract is terminated when death occurs. The deceased spouse is no longer an entity in the marriage contract. However, death does not negate the marriage! It is wonderful when the surviving spouse recalls examples and illustrations of how the departed spouse satisfied the various elements of the marriage contract. Those memories are like chapters in a really good book or the verses of a heartfelt love song!There are many things, events, memories and other experiences that will remain a major component of the surviving spouse’s life. There may be children, grandchildren and other relatives who provide support and are constant reminders of the love shared.
Putting my clothes on…On the morning of our 27th wedding anniversary, I arose with a better understanding of the marriage contract. And, I could clearly articulate how we fulfilled each and every component. I accept that I am no longer married to my wonderful husband, Ken.
I fed and let the dogs out. Once they are situated, I begin my preparation for breakfast. I went to the cabinet where I have all of the 26 Hallmark Anniversary cards I received during our marriage stored. I read each and every one, while enjoying my cinnamon roll, sausage and coffee. Every card reminded me of how much I was loved.Each reminded me of the special relationship we treasured.
When I was done, I showered and combed my hair. Then, I said: I’ll put on my clothes! I had a new day to explore - with all our love tightly contained within my heart!
About the Author
Dr. Geralyn Stephens-Gunn retired as an Associate Professor-Clinical, in the College of Education, at Wayne State University (WSU). Dr. Stephens-Gunn was regularly recognized for her work in online teaching. She is the recipient of the WSU 2013 President’s Award for Excellence in Teaching, the 2012 Blackboard Catalyst Award for the Exemplary Course Program, the 2013 Blackboard Catalyst Award for Faculty Development. And, she was recognized as a Blackboard MVP in 2014. Dr. Stephens-Gunn was married to her husband, James ‘Ken’ Gunn, for over 26 years.He made his transition to eternity in November 2023. She treasures her memories of their wonderful life together.
Currently, she is filling her retirement day by gardening and with fashion design and sewing projects.
