Dropping the Ball Again This Year?
3 Easy Intentions for Bouncing Back
by Nan Zastrow
“ I love it when they drop the ball in Times Square.
It’s a nice reminder of what I did all last year.”
Bouncing back after significant loss is not only daunting but often shatters one’s self-confidence. I wanted to prove to myself that my grief was not going to control me and force me to surrender just because certain tasks were tedious and the work was hard.
Since my husband’s death, I began to question my desire to handle all the maintenance tasks and other things “we “used to do. So, I didn’t plant flower pots overflowing with flourishing blossoms. My perennial garden wasn’t weeded as meticulously as it would have been. I ignored the tradition of placing pumpkins corn stalks, and bales of hay at my front door to welcome fall. These and many other tasks my husband, Gary, and I always shared. That’s what made them manageable and fun because we worked together.
Since Gary died, these tasks cluttered my “To Do List”. In preparation for the winter ahead, I pulled out my list and began checking off the tasks one by one (such as furnace and AC maintenance, outside water off). I gathered up the 8 patio chairs that were barely used to move them into the garage. Then, I cringed at the heavy concrete garden ornaments in the garden which now reminded me that it was time to cut back the plants and haul the debris away. I was tempted to let the plants just wither through the Wisconsin weather like I did the year before. I definitely dropped the ball and ignored a few of the more difficult tasks.
As I struggled with my list, the words “let go of things that no longer serve you” kept popping up in my head.” I can’t count the number of times I’ve repeated those words to myself. Yet, I continued to hang on to or do certain things “just because”.
I confess, last year was just one of those years that I procrastinated and avoided all the good intentions on my list. I self-blamed it on everything except the real reason …my negative thinking suggested there was always tomorrow. And “why am I really doing this?” This is not typical for me, but the year slipped away, and some life setbacks definitely played a part in my procrastination. So, I decided it was time to get my priorities straight and reset my attitude. Projects on my list will not be ignored. I committed to reinstatement with these three Intentions and some simple changes to “things that no longer served a purpose” for me.
INTENTIONS ARE NOT RESOLUTIONS
To be clear, there is a difference between intentions and resolutions. Intentions mean you want to do things differently. Intentions are self-motivated. A resolution is a firm commitment to do or not do something. They are usually measurable and straight forward. Resolutions often fail because they aren’t realistic, or you aren’t ready to make the change. Therefore, my goal was to make intentional changes that would make the tasks I chose to continue easier, simpler, and align with my current circumstances and desires. However, it was also important for me to remember the sentimental connection with the past. This will extend to all the things on my “to do” list this coming year and they will be treated respectfully with my new attitude.
INTENTION #1: MAKE PEACE WITH MY PAST.
The past is a memory, but the present is where I am living now. Accepting that life would never be the way it was before was a bitter “pill to swallow.” One never realizes how much the loss of a significant loved one changes your world until you are living it. Memories from the past and the things you enjoyed together provided motivation to keep living forward.
In regards to keeping the flowers, perennials, and decorating, I accepted that in the past what Gary and I created together was space to beautify our surroundings, entertain, and that fulfilled our enthusiasm for decorating for all seasons. It will never have the sentimental value it once created, but doing anything or everything I can to maintain some of the previous awe is my choice. Past memories are worthy of preservation and reminders of love. Some things will always be on my “to do” list. Inner peace comes through doing the things that still make me smile and give me joy. This is my intention.
INTENTION #2 CHANGE SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED INTO SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO
Growing though grief is a part of the healing process. It’s notably named “transformation”. LOSS is something that happened to me. Because loss happened and because I wanted to heal, I knew there was something I had to do. ACTION is what heals. Action requires CHANGE. This meant making decisions and choices that feel “right” for me. I conceded that others may not agree or may question my judgment, but my heart knows what’s best for me.
I also accepted that I needed to “fix” what might be holding me back. Those choices fell under the “something I have to do list”. First and hardest is surrendering my loss of dreams and building new dreams (maybe not as big, but comfortable). Additionally, I needed to replace my old routines that no longer work and try something new that makes me want to face each day. I’ve already done some of this, but I needed to do more things that give me pleasure, peace, and contentment. I added these actions to my list. Laugh again. Be creative. Practice self-love. Challenge myself. Take reasonable risks. It’s not grief preventing me from changing, it’s the fear of losing control over my life. And frankly, adversity reminds me that I never had that in the first place!
INTENTION #3: CHANGE YOUR CAN’TS INTO CANS AND YOUR CANS INTO PLANS
When you believe something is possible, your chances of achieving it are greater. There will always be challenges and obstacles to overcome. I know if you believe you can’t, you won’t. Gary would come to my defense with this challenge. With his calm and coaching demeanor, he could convince me that I had the capability to achieve things I never felt comfortable doing. I still struggle with that today but since his death, I’ve found the courage to face many challenges I wanted to ignore. So I know it’s possible. Sometimes I start with a “maybe” mindset. When you are trying to be independent after loss, it’s easy to say, “I can’t,” or “I don’t want to”. But the fact remains that we are all capable of much more than we ever thought possible. Now my “cant’s will start with a “maybe plan” and grow.
I am confident that I will be able to manage more than last year –not just maintenance and chores-- because I created an ACTION plan. I pondered my words once again “let go of the things that no longer serve you” and realized I could make the choice to do or not to do. I really can’t say that eliminating some things would serve a huge purpose in my life. Maybe it would create a “hole” by missing something familiar. For those things that still matter to me, I plan to change my can’t into can. I accept that simplifying the process with “I can do this” attitude was my answer. I started a list with a name and phone number for specific tasks that I could hire someone to do. And what I can handle, I’ll continue to do for as long as it serves me.
MAKING THE BALL BOUNCE THIS YEAR
It doesn’t need to be New Years to establish some worthwhile intentions. Pick any season of the year and visualize your fresh start by taking one small step at a time. If you fail the first time, give it a rest and try again. When you finally accomplish your “goal”, you will be proud of your accomplishments and breathe a sigh of contented relief.
Dropping the ball at Times Square is a ritual that represents a welcome to the new year and new beginnings…the passage from old to new. And I dropped the ball last year. I didn’t feel good about that so, I wanted to avoid that feeling this year. Planning ahead is essential. Recognizing that it’s okay to surrender to some things is perfectly acceptable. When the ball dropped at Times Square this New Year’s Eve…I proudly had to say “This year I have a plan and I’m ready, I thought: “Gary and Chad. I do this in memory of you.” And this time, I believe the ball bounced!
About the Author
Nan Zastrow
In 2018, Wings-a Grief Education Ministry will celebrate its 25th anniversary as a non-profit organization. Wings was created as a ministry of hope by Nan and Gary Zastrow after the death of their son, Chad Zastrow. On April 16, 1993, Chad died as a result of suicide. Nan is the author of five books, a quarterly online grief eLetter and dozens of articles published in various resources. Since 2003, Nan regularly publishes articles in Grief Digest Magazine. Visit the website at: www.wingsgrief.org or the Wings Facebook page.
