I opened my laptop to write one of those difficult emails to myself. And poured a glass of wine.
Please don’t sit with me anymore. You’ve pushed and shoved me until I feel only rage. You’ve crept into every cell and made them weep and quiver with pain, yet no tears will flow from my eyes.
You’ve made me forgetful and frustrated. I can barely think clearly enough to drive. Who is this person I have become with you stalking me?
Stop tormenting me! Stop trying to make me cry. Crying is not deep enough. NO! I will not give in, or I will die.
Grief, go find someone else to harass, or better yet, get some help!
Please go. Your weight is crushing me from inside out. Please say goodbye.
I pressed send, but the Email wouldn’t send. My Email was full.
“AUUGGH! I slammed my laptop shut Just like Grief to make everything so hard!” I yelled. “NO!” Grief is not going to win this time. I opened my laptop and sorted emails alphabetically, hitting select, delete, repeatedly.
When I got to the letter R for Redd, my late husband’s name, there were 12,793 emails I had once read. I had forgotten. How had I forgotten?
I opened. I read.
12,793 Dear Sweets.
12,793 Love you, Redd.
10,200 I miss you so much.
11,340. Can’t wait to see you.
12,001 Have a great day.
And only 3 that said,
Are you sad?
What can I do?
I am sorry, Sweets.
My eyes released. I didn’t die. Grief slowly kissed my cells, and I wept and slept for a few days, maybe weeks?
Then, I opened my breakup email address to Grief.
I added. P.S. Thank you, Grief, for sticking with me all this time.
About the Author
Anne Catharine Blake is an author/illustrator for over 30 years, covering over 80 subjects in children’s books, comics, and illustrations–– published in the US, UK, Europe, and translated into Spanish and Chinese.
In addition to publishing, her work has been exhibited in galleries, museums, and traveling shows in New York, Paris, London, Toronto, Portland, Chicago, Syracuse, and Connecticut. Some of my papers are housed at the de Grummond Children’s Literature Collection at the University of Southern Mississippi.
She studied Book Illustration and Design at Emily Carr University and earned my MA in Illustration from Syracuse University and an MFA in Illustration from the University of Hartford.
Anne Catharine Blake