Why Memorialization Matters: What 30 Years of Grief Support Has Taught

By Tim Schramm, Licensed Funeral Director and National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) member

As Grief Awareness Day approaches on August 30, I'm reminded of a fundamental truth I've witnessed countless times in my three decades as a funeral director: the families who struggle most with loss are often those who try to skip the very rituals designed to help them heal.
Every week in our Detroit-area funeral homes, I facilitate grief support groups for 35 to 60 community members—not just families we've served, but anyone in our community walking through loss. What I've learned from thousands of grieving individuals is that memorialization is a therapeutic process.

The Ancient Need to Gather

The gathering of people to honor the dead isn't a modern invention—it dates back to our earliest ancestors. Archaeologists have discovered caves where Neanderthals placed their dead together in the same location, creating the first known cemeteries. This fundamental human need to acknowledge the death of another human being hasn't changed in thousands of years.

Yet, I increasingly hear families say, "Dad didn't want anything" or "We just want to keep it simple." While honoring someone's wishes matters, what these families often don't realize is that funerals and memorial services are meant to honor the deceased and even more so, to help the living grieve.

When Grief Goes Underground

In Howe-Peterson’s support group experiences, I see the consequences of skipping memorialization. People arrive months or even years later, struggling with what I call  "underground grief"—pain that never had a proper outlet. They're the ones who heard  well-meaning friends say "you'll get over this," or "be strong," or "don't cry—it won't help anything."

Here's what I tell every family I serve: You never get over a loss. My father died more than 20 years ago, and I still miss him every day. You don't get over grief. You learn to live a life after loss. The goal isn't to eliminate the pain but to find healthy ways to carry it.

The Healing Power of Seeing and Sharing

One of the most important aspects of memorialization is viewing the deceased. In our  death-avoidant culture, many families resist the idea of viewing their loved one. But I've watched countless families walk reluctantly into our funeral home, worried about how their loved one might look, only to break down in grateful tears.

"Thank you," they often say. "Now I have such a better picture to take with me for the rest of my life."
That viewing—even just for a few minutes prior to the burial or cremation—helps people confront the reality of death in a necessary way. Grief can't be bypassed. It must be walked through. And seeing a loved one allows families to say goodbye to the person they knew, not the illness that may have ravaged them in their final days.

More Than Weddings and Funerals

There's an old saying that families only see each other at weddings and funerals. My father had 11 siblings. As a funeral director, when do I see my cousins? At viewings, gatherings and/or ceremonies.

But funeral and memorial services offer something deeper than family reunions. They provide what our disconnected world desperately needs: genuine human connection. I've watched old friends reconnect after decades apart, and seen new relationships form.

The stories shared, the laughter mixed with tears, the physical comfort of hugs and presence—none of this can be replicated by a simple notification or online memorial. These gatherings create what I call "therapeutic community," where grief is shared rather than carried alone.

Creating Tools for the Journey

In Howe-Peterson’s grief support groups, we provide practical tools: journaling exercises, books on loss, articles and podcasts that normalize the grief experience. But the most powerful tool is simply the opportunity to share your story with others who understand.

Every grief journey is unique, without hard timelines or specific steps. Grief comes in waves—sometimes within minutes, sometimes within days. The support group environment acknowledges this reality while providing hope that better days will come, when thinking of your loved one brings smiles instead of only tears.

Beyond Cookie-Cutter Services

Today's funerals and memorial services look nothing like the standardized funerals of 35 years ago. We've evolved from being cookie-cutter providers to experience planners, creating personalized celebrations that truly reflect a life lived. I've helped plan everything from traditional church services to elaborate celebration-of-life events that rival weddings in their detail and meaning.

This evolution reflects our deeper understanding of grief's complexity. Some families need formal ritual; others require creative expression. Our role is to educate and empower families to make decisions that serve their unique healing process.

A Community Responsibility

As Grief Awareness Day reminds us, supporting those who are grieving is a community responsibility. The most harmful thing you can tell someone in grief is that they should "get over it" or "be strong." Instead, acknowledge their pain, share a memory of their loved one, and understand that tears are a sign of love, not weakness. Most importantly, listen to their grief.

Memorial services, grief support groups, and even simple acts of remembrance all serve the same essential purpose. They help us acknowledge loss, share our burden, and find meaning in the midst of pain. Many of us are wired to rush past discomfort, but memorialization insists we slow down, gather together, and honor both the life lived and the love that remains.

About the Author

Tim Schramm is Owner/CEO of Howe-Peterson Funeral & Cremation Services in Michigan, where he holds certifications as a Licensed Funeral Director, Certified Funeral Service Practitioner (CFSP), and Certified Michigan Funeral Practitioner (CMFP). He serves as a National Spokesperson for the National Funeral Directors Association and is past-President of the Michigan Funeral Directors Association. Howe-Peterson facilitates multiple grief support groups serving its community, including specialized support for suicide survivors, and Tim has helped thousands of families navigate loss over his 35-year career.