How to Write an Obituary When You’re Grieving and Don’t Know Where to Start
By Bethellyn Gordon | Founder, Beautiful Obituary
There is a particular kind of silence that comes when someone asks you to write an obituary. You may know the person better than almost anyone, yet suddenly you cannot find a sentence. You remember their laugh, the way they answered the phone, the meals they made without a recipe. But putting a life into words can feel impossibly small compared with the life itself.
If you are facing that blank page, you do not have to find the perfect words today. An obituary is not a test of how much you loved someone. It is one way to let other people know who they were, and it can begin with a few simple facts.
Start with what you know
Write down their full name, age, where they lived, and when they died, if those details are appropriate to share. Add the names of family members they would want recognized and any service information that is ready to be announced. You can keep this first draft plain. A clear sentence is enough to begin: “Maria Elena Torres, 74, of Chicago, died on September 12, surrounded by family.” The dates and names are only a starting point; the story comes next.
Look for the small, unmistakable details
When you feel ready, ask yourself what made this person recognizable to the people who loved them. Did they always send you home with leftovers? Fix a neighbor’s porch light without being asked? Sing the wrong words to every song? Those moments often tell a reader more than a string of adjectives. Instead of “He was generous,” you might write, “He kept a spare set of tools in his trunk because someone always needed help.”
Let other people remember with you
You do not have to carry the writing alone. Ask a sibling, friend, cousin, or neighbor for one memory. A simple question—“What is something she always said?”—may bring back details you had forgotten. People will remember different versions of the same person, and that is part of what makes a life rich. You can invite their words without feeling obligated to include every story.
Write as they lived, not as you think an obituary should sound
Some people were quiet and steady. Others were loud, mischievous, stubborn, or always making everyone laugh. A meaningful obituary can sound warm, funny, matter-of-fact, or deeply reflective. You do not need grand language. “She loved fiercely and never let anyone leave hungry” may feel truer than a formal tribute full of words she would never have used.
Give yourself permission to write in pieces
Grief can make concentration difficult. Try writing three short notes instead of a full obituary: one fact, one memory, and one thing the person cared about. Return later if you need to. If there is a publication or service deadline, ask the funeral director or a trusted person to help gather the required details while you focus on the personal parts. A short, sincere obituary can honor someone just as fully as a long one.
Protect what the family wants kept private
Before sharing the final version, check names, dates, relationships, and service details with someone close to the family. Consider whether the cause of death or other personal information belongs in a public notice. Many families leave out a home address, exact birth date, and mother’s maiden name, because obituaries are sometimes used for identity theft, and an empty home during a service can be a target for break-ins.
Not every part of a life needs to be published to be honored. When family members disagree, aim for language that is accurate, respectful, and protective of everyone involved.
A simple structure you can use
If you need a place to begin, try this order:
1. Announce the death with essential details.
2. Share where their story began.
3. Describe two or three details that show their personality.
4. Name the people and communities important to them.
5. Include service or memorial information, if desired.
6. Close with a sentence that feels like them.
You can rearrange or leave out sections. There is no single correct formula.
Let the ending sound like love
An obituary does not have to sum up every chapter. It might end with a familiar saying, a gentle invitation to remember, or a small picture of everyday life: “The next time you plant tomatoes, think of her.” The most moving closing lines often sound like someone speaking across the kitchen table.
If all you can manage today is a name, a date, and one remembered detail, you have begun. You can ask for help. You can take your time where time allows. And you can trust that the person you loved was more than any one page could ever hold.
About the Author
Bethellyn Gordon is the founder of Beautiful Obituary, a platform that helps families write obituaries, design funeral programs, and create online memorials. Working with both families and funeral home partners, she focuses on making it easier to write tributes that capture the real person rather than a template. Bethellyn builds and operates her companies hands-on and believes the right questions, asked gently and early, can help any family tell a loved one’s story in their own voice. Learn more at beautifulobituary.com.
