Estrangement and Grief

By Louise Andrews

I lost my father not three weeks ago.

The toughest part of it all is that I’ve been Estranged from him for ten years..

I always knew this day would come but the hardest thing of all is that l wasn’t told in time to say goodbye.

So even if l wanted to and l really did.

I was left without even that.

My stepmother just didn’t tell me.

She decided that it was her choice to interfere and the result for me.

No closure. No goodbye just a numb feeling of shock.

As l sat in the garden and looked at the Roses whilst sipping my tea l suddenly became very aware of details of the Roses.

The smell the texture the colours. Everything.  

I felt hyper vigilant and exhausted all at the same time.

I decided that I would be alright if l could sit with the Roses every day.

I started taking photos of them and that became my focus.

Everything and everyone else was white noise.

As l said it’s only been three weeks so its all so raw.

I feel angry sad and robbed of my chance to say what l wanted to say.

The falling out was also not my choice but that’s a very long story.

I knew l needed a coping mechanism, so l focused on the Roses.

In the first few weeks l must have taken over a hundred photos.

Its as if l need to be creative all the time.

And yet I’m so tired.

I’ve only got a few short weeks while the Roses bloom. So, I’m making sure that l take as many photos as possible.

What il do with them l don’t know.

I might create a wall gallery or some collages.

I might even make some grief cards so that other people can look at them and get something positive from a traumatic situation.

I’m aware that there are stages of grief and l know what they are.

But at the moment l just feel completely numb.

If anyone reading this feels like me.

Find some flowers or a plant and take some time to really look at the flowers. Study them.

Paint them or photograph them so you have something to immerse yourself in.

Something beautiful.

I don’t know how il feel in a weeks time or even in a few days but at least l have my Roses to see me through.

At night when it’s hard to sleep. I look at my photos and first thing in the morning l go outside to see and smell them.

I’m really just trying to make something positive out of a situation that I’ve no idea how to deal with.

Perhaps l never will.

I don’t have any answers right now. And its all so raw and unfathomable.

I’ll take it day by day.

I thought that l would share some photos with you.

And thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope anyone else out there who might be going through grief might take a tiny piece of comfort from this.

Just like a Rose is full of thorns so is grief.

It all feels apt somehow.

Below is a photo that l took a few hours after hearing about my father.

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